Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
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