omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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