so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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