She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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