im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
