I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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