are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
