we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
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