in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
