All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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