Bitch is talking to much, howd u ever get her 2 shut up?
It's worth it.
How worth it?
Back door worth it
I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
