If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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