Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
