So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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