Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
