so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
