i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
