I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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