it was like his penis was on wheels.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Randomize
