You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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