If that was your dad, he is hot
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
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