cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
