Betty ford says i'm here all night
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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