So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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