so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
