the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
