You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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