so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
