He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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