i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
