You can't motorboat a personality
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
