You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Randomize
