Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
