I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
