We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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