I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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