I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
