My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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