He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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