I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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