i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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