I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
