I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
ok first of all what the fuck
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
