I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
