no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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