i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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