I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
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