dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
