I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
Duck Duck Cougar?
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
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