Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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