If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
