I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
