Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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